dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
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*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.