The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
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TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.