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@bourgeoisalien: Just accidentally messaged my husband "love you sexy beats" instead of "sexy beast" and now he thinks he’s some sort of DJ.
@fightforfood: We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
@ImJESSPlayin: I ran into my ex today.
Long story short, my car is totaled.
@PeachyPixel8: The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
@TheDailyManning: Dear girls, Santa saw your Facebook page, you're getting clothes and a dictionary for Christmas.