Not really a humane solution in my opinion
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Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”