Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
You Might Also Like
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Dead sexy!!
Botany good plants lately?
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.