@junejuly12: What idiot called it "salad" and not "la sad"

@KarenKilgariff: When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

@DanMentos: *sees cute girl on sidewalk* nice *she makes eye contact* oh wow *she smiles* is this happening *she’s holding a clipboard* god dammit

@Tmoney68: Every day, I hope I don't get bitten by a spider. I'm not afraid of spiders, I just don't want the responsibility of being a superhero.

@BuckyIsotope: Started to travel back in time to kill Hitler, but then I decided to be more efficient and went back and shot Adam and Eve instead.