@ingmarbirdman: *bumps into cute girl while typing on calculator* oops! got a bit carried away inventorying my lizards *makes sure she sees the 99999999999*

@DrDogMD: DR DOG: We need to talk about your weight. PATIENT: I'm not fat. I'm just big boned. DR DOG: *drooling everywhere* Just how big exactly?

@Tups13: Don't hesitate when you come to a fork in the road. Be bold. Pick that fork up and take it home. Free cutlery!

@1MeLrO: You think you got problems I just mixed a box of regular spaghetti with a box of thin spaghetti Supper is ruined I tell you

@TheNewDomShow: I'd get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.