My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
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In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
A friend helps you before you need it
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them