judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
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Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7