At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
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Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies