The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
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[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….