No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
You Might Also Like
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu