<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
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Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Not all heroes wear capes….
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…