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@dafloydsta: [marriage counseling] She's always getting mad at me "There's a shark living in our pool" IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Do the dishes Me: Can't. Holding the baby Wife: Take out the trash Me: Can't. Baby Wife: Change the baby Me: Can't. Doing dishes.
@bridger_w: I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
@Bizarro_Mark: My parents haven't called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I'm sending my brother over there to check on them.