Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
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*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*