I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
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Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
The “research” scene in every horror movie
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Lmfao
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.