Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
You Might Also Like
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘