I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
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So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.