Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
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Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
time for some seasonal decor
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous