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@BeardSpice: My high school bully just made my McDouble, so I guess I won; but then again I am eating at McDonald's so I guess it's a tie.
@lilgapeach30: If an officer asks "do you know why I pulled you over" "Because it's the only way to get girls to talk to you?" is a bad answer, apparently.
@decentbirthday: Friend: check out my conscience shell Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear* Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
@XplodingUnicorn: Magic words that make my children disappear: 3) Bath time 2) Who did this?! 1) When I was your age...