SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
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Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.