Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
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Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️