Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
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“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Woke up against my better judgment again
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs