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@PaperWash: I noticed you're eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time. So how many people have you murdered?
@LizHackett: When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I'm having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
@HughGoesThere: [bedtime] Me: What’s in vegetable oil? Daughter: Vegetables M: And olive oil? D: Olives M: And baby oil? D: *I turn out the lights and leave