[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
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My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
What kind of a cult is this?
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.