Still cracks me up
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Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.