Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
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My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
i can’t wait that long
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.