If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
You Might Also Like
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.