Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
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Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus