Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
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wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED