me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
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Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system