“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
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My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia