His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
You Might Also Like
😎 🍻
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
motivation
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.