*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
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Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Think I pulled my liver
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
The point of your 20s
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.