i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
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Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
groan^2