coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
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A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there