Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
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First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Hit me in the face with a bird
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I just ran a .003048K
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.