Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
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First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Someone just threatened to call me later
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?