You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
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Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Sorry. Not sorry
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.