“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
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My chiropractor is a crack addict.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
U talkin 2 me?
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”