I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
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what could possibly go wrong?
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
With this onion ring, I thee fed
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Time heals everything 🙂
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?