Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
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Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Pat is about to own someone
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??