ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
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C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Planet of the Apps.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
*ernest hemingway voice*
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.