Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
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Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Mission: Impossible