I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
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FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable