Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
You Might Also Like
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.