Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
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Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!