Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
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Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
me
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.