“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
You Might Also Like
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…