My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
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Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You