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@prettysadmostly: you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
@ThisLocalHater: [During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be "naughty", but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
@davidstassen: My mom likes to get to the airport three days before her flight.
@BeerBatterBeard: You'd think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would've been up for a performance review by now.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: I posted "Happy Almost Mother's Day!" on this chick I grew up with's Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.