“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
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Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.