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@vikkaroni: I'll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would've coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
@mrtruthandsoul: 5yo: Why is he crying? Me: That's a teardrop tattoo. 5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison? M: What? 5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
@Cherbearxo: I promised my trainer that I'd set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there's a lunar eclipse I work out.