You Might Also Like
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.