7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
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run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
this could fix me
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!