Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
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SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie