My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
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[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs