They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
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I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”