ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
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I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am