[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
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I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
#oldknees
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water