[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
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[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
cyclists
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Thursday
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.