The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
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Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
This is always good for a laugh.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs